“Not too bad, thanks.”

Three words that can mean anything from “genuinely fine, just a bit tired” to “I am held together entirely by routine and a vague sense of obligation and I have absolutely no idea what I’d do if I stopped.” Delivered with the same mild smile either way.

Why we do it

Partly it’s just manners – nobody asking how you are at the kettle actually wants the full answer. Partly it’s not wanting to be a burden. Partly it’s the reasonable suspicion that even if you did say how you actually were, it would make the other person uncomfortable and you’d end up managing their reaction to your distress, which is more exhausting than just saying you’re fine in the first place.

And partly – for a lot of people – it’s something that runs deeper than social convention. The sense that your feelings are inconvenient, not ‘allowed’, excessive, or simply not the kind of thing that warrants attention. That you should be coping. That other people seem to manage.

What it costs

The thing about keeping it together is that it works, right up until it doesn’t. Suppressed feelings don’t evaporate – they just go somewhere you’re not looking. And there’s a particular quality of exhaustion that comes from being absolutely fine in public for a very long time. You’ll recognise it if it’s yours: not the ordinary tiredness of a full week, but something flatter and more persistent underneath it. Perhaps a chronic dullness.

A room where “I’m fine” doesn’t have to be the answer

Counselling is, at its most basic, somewhere you don’t have to do the “I’m fine” thing. Where the actual answer – which might be shapeless, or contradictory, or something you haven’t quite got words for yet – is the point, not an inconvenience. It is a feeling of being accepted without judgement.

You don’t need to be in crisis to get there. You don’t need a polished account of what’s wrong. “Something’s not right and I’d like to talk about it” is plenty.

Most of us were never really taught that we were allowed to say that. Which is a shame, and also not too late to unlearn.

 If any of that landed, feel free to get in touch: Contact me