You know the particular texture of this. The thing that was definitely going to get done, and then didn’t. The conversation that started somewhere sensible and ended up somewhere you can’t quite retrace. The appointment that existed entirely in one person’s head. The way time works differently for different people in the same house.

If you live alongside someone with ADHD, none of this needs explaining. An aspect of ADHD that does not get enough attention is rejection sensitivity disorder (RSD). It shows up in extreme mood swings, waves of rage. It is horrible and shame inducing for the person who has this and so hard for the person who loves that person! There is hope – to know each other better.

The part that doesn’t get much airtime

There’s been a long-overdue shift in how ADHD is understood and talked about, which is genuinely good. What tends to get less attention is the experience of the people around it – the partners, parents, siblings, and friends who are doing a lot of the quiet compensating, and who often feel they can’t quite say so.

Because how do you say “I’m exhausted by this” when you also know it’s not deliberate? How do you say “I need something to change” without it sounding like a complaint about the person you love? How do you hold the genuine frustration alongside the genuine tenderness without one cancelling out the other?

Most people in this position end up doing a lot of internal negotiation that nobody else sees. Telling themselves they should be more understanding. Feeling guilty for minding. Minding anyway.

Both things can be true at once

ADHD isn’t anyone’s fault, and the mismatch between different kinds of brains in a shared life is still genuinely hard. Those two things coexist. Acknowledging one doesn’t cancel the other.

I work with people in this situation because I understand it from the inside – not theoretically, but from living in it. The mixture of love and frustration and guilt and protectiveness and occasional despair is one I recognise. You don’t have to justify any of it to me.

What having your own space can offer

Counselling for someone in this situation isn’t about fixing anyone else. It’s about having somewhere that’s entirely yours – your feelings, your needs, your experience, without having to factor in anyone else’s reaction to them. That turns out to be more useful than it sounds when you’ve been doing the opposite for a long time.

 If you’d like to talk, I’d be glad to hear from you, contact me.